Marriage Counseling Mistake?
The issue of one’s spirituality comes up on occasion during counseling. Before getting involved in a discussion on this topic, however, I check my Intake notes. These provide a record of my initial meeting with the client and remind me of what they said in response to the question on whether they see themselves as a spiritual person. They also indicate if the person is involved in a particular religion. I then tailor any future remarks accordingly.
Throughout my career I have always found that clients respond positively to spiritual references, but during a particular marital counseling session I made the mistake of not checking my Intake notes before addressing a spiritual matter. I had been working with this couple for several months, and I thought that I had a good sense for the husband Joe and the wife Susan. Anyway, as I was making my spiritual reference Joe looked at me in a pleasant, agreeable, and perhaps in a slightly amused manner. Susan, however, was much more direct. She responded by making it clear that the spiritual orientation was irrelevant to her.
As soon as she said that I checked my notes and was reminded that they had no religious affiliation, were not actively spiritual and did not believe in God. I apologized to Joe and Susan for my mistake, and although there was some temporary awkwardness, we were able to get the marriage counseling session back on track. Afterward, however, I was concerned that I had annoyed the couple, in particular the wife, and they would not return to counseling. On the other hand, since I had been working with them for several months, and their relationship was improving, I thought that there was a 50/50 chance that they would return.
Well, they did come back. It was on a Monday. The prior sessions were always emotionally charged, and this occasion was no exception; but as was usually the case the meeting ended on a positive note. On Thursday morning of the same week, I received a message from Susan that her husband Joe died suddenly from a heart attack. He was only 40 years old.
Considering Susan’s non-spiritual orientation, there was no wake or funeral. There was, however, a gathering of about 50 people at a friend’s house; with the highlight being comments made by Susan, along with reflections and memories that were shared by other family members and guests.
I spoke to Susan briefly and let her know that I would be available if she needed any assistance in the future. She indicated that she was doing OK emotionally; and added that she appreciated my help because she was glad that she and Joe had gotten to a good place in their marriage before he died.
Although I made the offer, I was a bit surprised when she called a few weeks later to make an appointment. When scheduling the visit she mentioned that she would come with her mother-in-law, that being Joe’s mother.
Susan and the mother-in-law needed to clear the air between the two of them. They both suffered a great loss, and during this very upsetting period they needed help to more effectively and compassionately communicate with one another.
The session was very emotional. This was understandable, due to their shared loss, and it was complicated by the fact that their shared grief was not a source of comfort. It was instead a source of conflict. They were emotionally drawn to one another, but they were also overwhelming and antagonizing each other.
As these emotions and the misunderstandings were getting unraveled during the counseling session, and the affection and appreciation between the two women was returning, I began to have a very strong sense for Joe’s presence.
As a result, I could not stop myself, I had to speak up. I prefaced by saying that Susan knows that I am a bit prone to making “nutty” comments, and I asked to be forgiven for what I was about to say. I just had to state the obvious. I noted that Joe’s presence was very apparent to me at that moment, and he seemed very pleased that Susan and his mother were reconciling in such a constructive manner.
I was ready for Susan to again dismiss my comment; but she surprised me. She quickly offered that she too has been getting various signs of Joe’s presence. The mother-in-law said the same, and stated that she saw her son in a dream a few days prior. Susan then expressed that she was pleased and comforted to hear that her mother-in-law also felt that Joe was still involved in their lives.
This was a remarkable turnaround. Susan went from being a non-believer, to espousing that there is an after-life; and that Joe was alive somewhere, somehow. She suddenly adopted a very spiritual orientation.
During the prior counseling session when Joe looked at me indicating some level of appreciation for my spiritual remarks, he revealed that he was a little further along than Susan with accepting the spiritual side of their personhood. A month or so later, it seemed that Susan had more than caught up to him.
Addendum: Another few months passed, and Susan reported that she was still receiving signs from her deceased husband.