Perspective thru Psychotherapy
Joe told me of a recent situation that took place during his ten-year-old son’s basketball game. He said that his son Ernie played very well during the first three quarters, scoring twelve points as his team’s point guard. However, during the fourth quarter neither Ernie nor any of his teammates scored any points. It was clear to Joe that the players were playing tight, and he became increasingly frustrated as the negative effects unfolded. He kept telling himself that he should not allow himself to get aggravated, but it did not work.
To add insult to injury, Ernie’s team squandered their lead and lost the game by one point. The frustration had a hold on Joe, and while he knew he should not allow himself to get upset, he felt that the poor play was unacceptable. Joe’s thinking at the time was that “if Ernie would only practice more, and if he took the sport more seriously, he would have been able to score points in the fourth quarter”.
When Joe approached Ernie after the game he did not want to make any critical comments, but the negativity came out anyway. The comment to Ernie that “you cannot win unless you score” was immediately and correctly interpreted by Ernie as a sign of his dad’s displeasure. Ernie was instantly injured by the remark.
During the session Joe expressed that he regretted the remark to his son. He did not want to hurt his feelings, and he did not want to convey negativity, but the frustration got the better of him. Joe wanted to know what I thought of this incident, and if I had a recommendation on how to handle those types of situations.
We looked at a couple of frustration reducing strategies, and while there was value to that advice, it was also important that I convey that I could identify with Joe’s aggravation. As a father, I have been in a similar situation, and the extent to which the frustration takes hold is undeniable. Moreover, I told Joe that it is a sign of goodness on his part that he is willing to face his imperfections, and that he is open to learning how to improve.
It was essential to let Joe know that his openness about his struggle in this area reveals that he is a good man; and his efforts toward continuous improvement are impressive. You see, it was incumbent upon me to not be critical, as that would be consistent with how Joe responded to his son. Much of what we learn occurs on a subtle level, and the unstated message to Joe was that he, like his son, is entitled to be imperfect.
But back to the advice, Joe wanted an alternate mindset that would prevent him from being consumed with the negative. So, I posed the following: I asked if he would have been in a critical mood with his son if he just learned that he had a terminal illness and his days on earth were numbered; or what if he were in the military and just received orders that he was being deployed to a combat zone.
If the mindset is that each moment with a loved one is precious, and perhaps an irreplaceable opportunity, then it is highly unlikely that anyone will squander it with negativity.
A key to a good life is being grateful for the opportunity to love.